Sail Away 2

Love at first sight

Not sure if I really believe that

But what I do believe is that 

Our spirits  connected for a moment

how time flys

I anticipated every call and text

It was like déjà vu

And then it was over

For some reason I can't get you off my mind

My imagination takes control

And we're somewhere in the future

Smiling 

Laughing

Enjoying one another

I don't know you but I miss you

Every time these unexplainable feelings come

I pray

I pray for you

Your safety

Your future

I ask God why He allowed us to meet

But I guess the details of that aren't important 

What's important is that we did

And I'm forever grateful

Sail Away

The day I met you 

The walls game down

Something about your spirit 

Caused mine to be at peace 

Life happens

And I find myself inundated with emotions

I don't understand where these feelings are coming from

I don't even know you well enough

What I do know and will remember 

Is the little time we had

The laughs 

The encouragement 

If only we had more time

If only the moon would stand still

You will be in my prayers 

Another time

Another place

One day

Until then sail away...

Intimacy

I feel poetically incline to get this off my mind

Down...to my fingertips

So many feelings and emotions

Shoulda Coulda would you please sir 

Touch me

Not physically but mentally

The undiscovered inner most parts of me

Deep within not the superficial 

 hello's and how are you today's

But the can you see me in your future type

Tell me how I'm suppose to breathe with no air type depth

Caress me

Not physically but mentally

Soothing my psyche

Easing the days stresses away

Your words cause endorphins to release 

My body relaxes, mind climaxes

Intellectual strokes

Feel me

Not physically but mentally

Understand my modus operandi

Why I do what I do

Do you feel me

Can you feel me where I'm coming from

Allow me to take you there

Connect with me intimately

Want me back

I want you to want me

It's as simple as that

I don't ask for much

But for you to give me time and attention

Yes I need it

I want it

Can get it from anywhere 

But it would mean more if it was from you

I find myself missing you 

Wanting to be around you

I feel like I'm always checking on you

Texting you

You respond but I want you to want me

To want me in your presence

To want to check on me

See how I'm doing

Not sure if you're feeling the same 

So I want you to initiate 

So I can be sure I'm not in this alone 

Am I in this alone

I wonder...

Its Just Emotions...

...It's just emotions taking me over

Nope, not another Destiny's Child song

But the real deal

For two years now I have been...on an emotional roller coaster

Nope not another Heather Headley song

But the real deal

Like this isn't me...

I use to have control of my emotions

But after all the heartbreak

Pain

Betrayal

Lies

There was nothing but hurt

Tears

Bitterness

Anger

So many instances where I would...give myself away

Nope, not anther William McDowell song

But the real deal
Literally giving myself away

My time away

My body away

My love away

To those who never showed reciprocity 

Takers

Taking a piece of me

 I look in the mirror and see brokenness 

Longing

Confusion

Frustration 

Trying to put the pieces back together 

But...it's just emotions taking me over...

*shrugs* teach me

They say the best relationships of any kind 

Need to have a solid foundation

A friendship

That's what I want 

Not that in between unestablished gray area 

Where my...assumptions get the best of me ;-)

Is he interested, is he not?

Is this going somewhere, is it not?

Ya know

Where we're attracted to each other 

And it's a little more than...just friends

Kissing hugging feeling touching

...Special friends huh

Friends with benefits...

That's not what I want

I have fallen into that trap before

I've had a few special friends 

And now they're not so special

Been there, done that

It's said if you want change you have to do something different 

Something about you is different 

I want to know what that is

I really want to be your friend

I really want to [take the time to] get to know you

But the problem is I have never done that before with anyone

And I'm not sure I know how...hmmmm

Suppressed Feelings

Uhmmmm 

Being around you makes me weak

When I'm not around you I think about you

When I think of you I have to stop myself

I don't even know what this is

Like I cant even explain it to myself

So I suppress my feelings

take...it...slow

But yet I want more

Your touch makes me tense and melt at the same time

To feel your touch 

Uhm uhm uhmmmm

I don't even have the words

So I suppress my feelings

Lets...go...deeper

Thats what my mind is eluding to

But I'm trying to keep afloat

Holding on to my emotions 

So not to give you too much...too much more

I want to let go

But instead I suppress my feelings

Consensual Rape

Stop! No! Please!

Those were the words that were coming out of my mouth

You heard them but disregarded them

we have been here before

But for some reason here again is not where I wana be

I don't know what you were thinking

Maybe that I was enjoying it 

Saying no but really meaning yes

This was no reverse psychology

I wanted to be here but not...here

I was ok until you started touching me

I held you off as long as I could but you were stronger

I jus wana get this over with...

I wana scream but because of who you are 

I didn't because we've been here before
I felt like a victim but was I, I know you

I cried but wouldn't let you see my face so I buried it in your neck

And told myself to just get through it

Pretend like you are enjoying it so it can be over

Then it was over and I layed in your arms

I needed to be held and you were the closes thing

Emotionally paralyzed

How did this happen
You were satisfied and feeling fine
I felt the opposite

I didn't even move because in my head 

I knew you would never see me again

Once I walk out your door
I'll be gone forever

My Love

It's like we been together since I was babe

You know my every move

What moves me

I like to think that you move me

Even though at times I'm pulling back

Pulling away

Going astray

But yet you remain 

Unconditional

Immovable

Consistent

I wish I was more like you

I wana love just like you do

But at times I feel I'm incapable

Yet I'm reminded by your love 

That I'm more than able

Able to love

I just have to let go and trust you

That's what love is all about right

Trusting you

I remember when we first met 

I had butterflies

I had never felt this way about anyone

You showed me a new part of you that I loved daily

Time went on and I strayed from your love 

Trying to see if there were any other takers

There were

And they took

A piece of me was taken everytime one decided to depart

To the point were I felt like there was nothing left

Unrecognizable 

I came back to you scarred

Broken 

Hurt

And you embraced me and said everything would be alright

You said you loved me no matter what

That you'd put the pieces back together

Well that was all great until the cycle repeated itself

Again and again and yet another again

Still broken and knowing I need you

I'm looking for you 

Searching for you

Trying to get back to

I pray you take me back

I realized through it all that we are meant to be together

And that your love is irreplaceable 

I love you my Love

*People may fail me but Love never has and He said He never will*

Soul Tie

The words are in my mind 

Jus sitting there silent, tormenting me

I wana let it out SHOUT tell you how I feel

But what good is that gonna do

What's it gonna change

Nothing

Your approach was different 

And at first I was uncertain

Eventually I stepped out of my zone and let you into my world

Little and by little

Big mistake

Let's just be friends and if it goes somewhere else then it does

Not that again I've heard that before

My feet wanted to run but my legs wouldn't cooperate

Don't fall for it RUN, REDFLAG 

My mind was literally screaming but 

My flesh, soul, mind was intrigued 

The beginning of the end

I'm thinking this time will be different

He is a nice guy, educated

 I just gotta get to know him

It seemed like you enjoyed my company 

Yet you would never ask for it 

Oh but I had an open invitation when I wanted a personal one

I wanted to know that you wanted me around

And at what point did you make an effort to  know me

Not just me physically but ME 

This fragile vulnerable vessels who needs to be shown how to love

At what point did you make an effort to know my simplicity 

My favorite color, food, the fact that I like to walk the beach

Maybe it was me, maybe I wasn't demanding or direct

I was trying not to give you too much

And ended up giving you too much

Something for nothing

The story of my life

A lot of giving and no reciprocity 

So I found myself texting and checking on you

And in return I would get an occasional 

What are you doing in the late night hours

I found myself trying to fit in your day

Smh that's not me...what the hell was I thinking

I wasn't clearly and now I'm here

I allowed my feelings to take over and I wish they would just go away

I lay an wonder what you're doing

WHY DO I CARE you not worried bout me

So I sit sometimes angry at myself 

For allowing myself to go down this road again

The end of the beginning

And now it's up to me to break this soul tie

Deja Vu

This place seems all to familiar

I look around and I feel like I've been hear before

I know this place
it seems all to familiar
I close my eyes to try and remember
I drift off into another time, another place
yet its all so familiar
A gentle touch caresses my arm and lingers along my finger tips
a close embrace 
those same fingers tip to the small of my back
my heart is beating faster
is that butterflies or anxiety
 I know the feeling...I know this feeling
All I hear is sweet nothings
You don't have to worry about me
I'm different, you can trust me, relax
That voice...those words
they echo in my mind
in another place maybe another time
I swear I heard them before
I open my eyes and there you are
standing there
caressing my arm down to my finger tips
a close embrace
my heart is beating faster
and as you lean in to whisper sweet nothings
it feels like Deja Vu

The Battle Within

I love you

I hate you

I cant stand to be around you sometimes

But yet we are one 

One minute you love me the next minute you don't

I'm tired

Tired of the back and forth

The inconsistency

Uncertainty

Never satisfied

What more do you want

You say you want me to love you

But you keep checking for everyone else

And then back to me you come when they fall back

Back to me

And for awhile things are great 

But apparently im not good enough

Cuz you back in the streets

Lady of night

Lady, that ain't right

Baby girl I know your struggle 

I live it with you

 I'm here sweety

I know you get lonely 

But you don't have to be cuz I'm here sweety

So what your friends and family have their own thing going

I'm here

It's us  against the world

But you keep pushing back

Holding back

Fighting

And for what

I love and need you

The same way you need me

Can do this without you

We are one 

Or at least I thought we were

Stop fighting me 

I only wana love you

You can leave the mirror now 

I Use to Never Cry...

There was a time when I never cried

There were no feelings

Then one day I decided to let myself feel

Feel something for someone who apparently wasn't worthy 

Or worth it for that matter

And I cried 

I couldn't understand why 

Or what these 

Liquid words were dripping down my face 

I bounced back like that

And like THAT it was déjà vu all over again

All over again I found myself never crying

Never feeling 

Never feeling until he came along and and told me what I wanted to hear 

And it all sounded and appeared good Until the day

He left my heart unattended 

Abandoned

Broken

And i found myself drenched daily for months on end with these 

Empty liquid words

Tears

 I think I'm over that one but now the reason i Find myself crying today 

And all the other days

loneliness 

Wanting to be loved but feeling incapable 

Incapable because every time I try 

Or make an attempt to like...love...or wateva 

Im reminded of the past hurts

The past tears

And I say to myself I dont wana go thru that again

But here I am crying wanting to go thru that again

Because at least I was gratified temporarily 

Until of course the liquid words appeared 

Now all I can do is remember 

There was a time when I never cried

Just Friends

You knew me before you knew me 

But I can't say that I didn't play a part in the matter

My lips were saying one thing but my body was saying another

I anticipated each encounter 

And in the back of my mind I knew I was in a dangerous place

Walking where it was slippery

I thought I could handle it...you at first

Then a late night became a great night

With each touch  I became weak 

With each touch what I stood for became faint in my mind

All I could think about was wanting what I wanted...you

I lowered my standard for a moment that would soon be over

Yet in that moment I wanted time to slow down 

What was I thinking

You don't him

He doesn't know you 

Yet now you know each other on a different level

Skipping many levels

Fast forward

Pause

I wasn't thinking 

Too busy on cloud 9

And then the seconds minutes hours days went by

Reality checked in 

Just friends...

But to you...it's not that serious....